Once upon a time, I experienced a very thunderous breakup and for the next couple of weeks, I spent time, copious amounts of time, pouring over every detail. I was dying in self pity just trying to figure out what I did wrong this time. I was taking personal responsibility and checking stocks of deeds and loopholes. As I tried to pour out my deep feelings to a friend, my voice was trembling and I felt so defeated.
I told her the break up was my fault: “It’s my fault, I was not good enough for him (Charles) or did I pick the wrong guy.
She laughed at me so mockingly and consoled me that I shouldn’t put the blames on myself that maybe after all the guy wasn’t the right guy for me. You all know the saying that ‘A broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage’. Based on that, I gave myself more reasons to stand strong.
She was right. I was just being ridiculous. At first, I had thought I had low-self-esteem and selfish or maybe I was crazy and unfit to handle relationships but on a second thought I know that even those who are core selfish, ‘crazy” and low self-esteemed get married all the time.
If you have ever spoken to a woman in a bad marriage and she tells you her pathetic story you will end up having a second thought about marriage. The matters of marriage, is another article that I’m nowhere near qualified to write. I’m going to leave the institution of marriage alone for the moment, because not all of us in the world want to or even are legally permitted to get married. So, for now, I’m going to stick to the topic of singlehood.
Let me say this, both for my own benefit, and for the benefit of anyone out there who is feeling an ounce of shame about being single: You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you. Take personal responsibility for your actions; find out what patterns you may be repeating. Don’t take so much personal responsibility that you lose perspective. Don’t internalize any wrongness about being single. Stop blaming yourself.
Being in a relationship, it’s more like two people being in the right place at the right time and wanting the same things. It’s an opportunity that’s seized. While a solid relationship can make you grow as a person, the mere fact that you’re coupled does not make you a better person.
Anyways, let us look at some reasons that could be responsible for your overdue single status. Could your dating patterns be sabotaging your efforts to get off the singles’ bench? If you never make the first move or always date the wrong men, your dating style may need an overhaul.
Do you always expect your man to make the first move? Well, in core African belief, it is wrong but in this present dispensation, we move with the speed of time and changes.
Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. Being born male does not gift them with unassailable self-confidence. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to reject you. Be so polite and cheerful.
Don’t go about asking him too much personal questions. ‘Go and chat him up,’ I said oh. Not: ‘stand there glancing at him every 20 minutes.’ Sending him signals with eye contact and steady wink, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, it will not get you off the singles’ bench unless you accompany it with ‘hello, how are you doing sir’, at the very least.
If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating him fine at the first impression has better chances of making him wanting to stick with you.
If a handsome stranger asks, ‘are you alright or do you care for a drink?’ he is trying to ask you out. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.
Here is another tip, all work and no play makes Jane a dull singleton. It may be tricky to find time for socializing and relationships, but your happiness (and health) will benefit if you strike a balance. Life is too short not to enjoy out of it.
Please, all my single ladies also note this; your natural look is much more appealing to men than a Calabar masquerade. Too much make-up makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.
There is one thing I found out about we ladies, we always trail our ex. Perhaps you were with them for years and they play a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-name check habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. As long as your heart leaps as the mere mention of your ex suggests that you haven’t moved on and you need to.
Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr. OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr. Right.
If you have a very narrow idea of your ‘ideal man’, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.
I believe we have learnt enough today. Catch you guys again next week when we would be discussing all the matters and complaints brought to my table. Don’t forget to contact me via email ([email protected]) or telephone: (08135116368), if you have any issue eating you up. Learn to be happy always!
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