Praise Oladimeji Fowowe got his first degree in accounting, but didn’t have the desire to practice as an accountant. Rather, his interest has been to create generational change by helping stabilize marital relationships, and counsels on how to overcome family crisis. Fowowe is very passionate about the sexuality of people. He talks more in this interview.
What’s the best way to handle a woman?
First, you have to be very humble to handle a woman. Secondly, you must be willing to tolerate a lot because she will throw all kinds of jabs at you. That’s why I always tell men that when a woman is trying to throw all kinds of things at you, all you have to do is learn how to dodge because if you try to retaliate or get back at them, you will break them eventually.
So you have to be tactful when they are talking because if you get into a fight, it could get physical. Then most importantly, you need to understand your spouse. We have about four kinds of women. We have the intimidating woman, the creative woman, the dependable woman and the systematic woman.
The intimidating woman
The intimidating woman is like a man. No man wants to marry that kind of woman. They drive you crazy and they shout on you, they have no emotions, no feelings. If you want to deal with that one, you have to serve her as her husband to get through to, and correct her.
The creative woman
The creative woman is everywhere, but the only problem you have with that one is that she has a lot of male admirers. So you have to overcome insecurity to deal with that kind of woman and you have to add enough value so nobody will be after her. That way she won’t get carried away as she seems to have a problem with time management and she could be indisciplined. So you have to do a lot of coaching and you don’t shout on that kind of woman because you will break her and if you shout on her that lures her into the hands of another man.
The dependable woman
The dependable woman is an introvert. She hardly talks but she is very dependable and caring. You don’t take her for granted.
The systematic woman
The systematic woman is a perfectionist and she has a problem with her self-esteem. She is not good with words, so you have to love her like your child because if you don’t you will almost throw her away. Most women in that category eventually commit suicide. There is a tendency for them to be suicidal because they don’t accept themselves; they don’t accept people, so they find it difficult to hold the home. If you understand those things it is easy.
Then love language is another thing. You need to understand your wife’s love language. There are about five love languages, namely: act of service, love, touch and words of affirmation. So you don’t love a woman the way you want to love. You love them the way they want to be loved. If your wife’s love language is an act of service for example, you need to serve her.
If she is in the kitchen, and maybe you are somewhere out of the house, and then she calls out and says “sweetheart could you come please.” When you get into the kitchen, your wife could say to you ‘help me pick the knife’ (which incidentally is beside her). This kind of thing could drive the man crazy. At that point in time, it is not the knife that is important. She wants to hear ‘I love you’ because she gets ‘I love you’ by you serving her. If your wife’s love language are gifts, then you need to give her a lot of gifts.
It is not the quality of the gift that matters; it is the frequency and the consistency of giving. If her love language is words of affirmation, then you don’t shout on her, you need to give her words and if her love language is touch, then you need to give her like 8 good touches per day, to retain her. So these are the basic things you need to understand.
You need to understand the basic differences I highlighted earlier. If a woman behaves in a particular way you shouldn’t get offended because you know her.
Truth is that women are virtually abused. So by the time they get married they could be very difficult to relate with and that’s when you begin to experience some strange things you don’t understand. And if you don’t reposition yourself by adopting the role of a father willing to help his daughter (because that’s what your wife is), then realize that the marriage won’t last. You should also realize that she needs healing and you need to help her through that process of healing. You need to be confident.
What role does romance play in marriage?
You can’t do without romance in marriage. When you talk about romance, a lot of people don’t know what it means. They think romance is just touching but romance is more than touching. Being romantic for example is helping in the kitchen. It is also helping out with the children’s assignments, etc. I go to the market for example and I cook a lot of meals in my home. I also do a lot of runs for my wife. Some people think romance is only when you get to the bedroom and try to touch.
That is why a lot of men say their wives are not sexually unresponsive. Why would they be sexually responsive when we are not in the 19th Century when women stayed at home? Women now go to work, most of them are managers in their places of work and that is the masculine mode. By the time they get home they need to switch back to the terminal mode and you need to help them. This is because they leave work and get home and some men even get home sometimes before their wives and all they do is watch TV and expect this woman that just came back from work to go to the kitchen and fix their meal, take care of the children, do their assignments, do the dishes and at night, you expect her to give you sex. That is not done in the first place because she is tired. That is not romance.
Romance is when you get home at the same time and you say sweetheart why don’t you go take a shower, let me fix your meal. Or sweetheart why don’t you fix the meal, let me help the children with their assignments. Now it becomes a shared responsibility and she looks at that kind of man and praise you before her friends and tell them how romantic you are. I hear my wife say all the time, ‘my husband is romantic’. In case you didn’t know that is what women expect when they talk about romance.
When a man talks about romance, he wants to touch, he wants to have sex but when a woman talks about romance, sex is the last thing to her. Romance to her shows her the things you do for her, like sending hot text messages, taking her out, and helping her out. These are basic things that you can afford to do in marriages. I discovered that most men do it before marriage to win the woman and by the time the woman says ‘yes I do’ the men no longer do in wedlock the very little things that won her heart. What you did to win her is the same thing you must do to sustain your marriage.
Why is it that men lose the romantic touch immediately after marriage?
A man is like a hunter, he is a goal getter. When a hunter is trying to get a kill, he does everything. For example, if he is trying to catch fish, he gives what a fish loves to take or if he wants to kill an antelope, he goes to the bush to set all kinds of traps. He spends his money on things that will lure the antelope to where the trap is, but by the time he kills the antelope, the motivation to go back to the bush is no longer there because he has the antelope already. That is what men are naturally. So once the woman says yes I do, there is no motivation to continue “loving her”. They reason that I already have her… she can’t even leave but the truth is, you don’t know what damage you do to your woman that way. You need to nurture your marriage.
Do men really have time for all of those things?
You have to create time. We seem to be very busy but we need to create time. I recommend for most homes right now what we call royalty day and open day, because so many couples are going through stress, communication issues and problem in the marriage. Open day is observed once a week. We used to do that before my wife travelled. Open day is a day of the week couples have chosen when you are free to express your mind based on what your spouse has done.
The rule is that nobody gets angry. For example on one of our open days, she said she didn’t like the way I ate. She said I always rushed through my food (but that’s the way I was brought up) and I improved over time. The other one is royalty day. Royalty day is a day when you take your spouse out and treat her as the most important person in the world. I usually tell men you can do that every fortnight. The man will have to take the woman out. You may not even have to take her out. You just tell her ‘sweetheart I’m going to be responsible for what is going to happen in this house.’ So the man does the sweeping and cooking. All your wife does is she relax in the bedroom. Two weeks after she responds.
So these are basic things that will make your marriage work. If you don’t do them your marriage will suffer. Some people may say my marriage is not suffering, but ask your wife how happy is she. You will realize that your wife is not happy; she is just tolerating the marriage. Probably she just learnt to take you for who you are because she doesn’t want her home to break. That is why you will hear women say: I am married to my children. A woman does not need to be married to the children because she is married to you. You were the one she fell in love with not the children, so we need to make out time in the midst of our busy schedule. Men who do extra-marital stuff create time for their girls don’t they? They do. The same time you want to create for those girls, invest it in your spouse and you will get a better person from her.
Why is it that the other woman is more exciting than the woman inside?
It is this misconception that the grass is greener on the other side. By the time you get to the other side of the lake and you look at where you are coming is that place greener? There is a difference between the woman outside and the woman within in about 20 different ways. The 21st century woman has to understand that you don’t have to be the woman within alone.
You also have to be like the woman outside, in your home. For example, the woman outside with her dressing tries to attract your husband outside but the woman at home is just dressing for the occasion because she thinks they were for a while but you see you have to dress for the occasion and you have to dress also to attract your spouse. When it comes to wishes, the man’s wish is subject to explanation for the woman inside but for the woman outside his wish is a command. So, you have to learn that as a wife. When a man says my wife doesn’t respect me what he means actually is don’t argue with me. So you have to learn not to argue with your husband. You can go back and influence him down there.
When you argue with a man, you put him off. The goal of the woman inside is to stay married while the goal of the woman outside is to snatch your husband. So, she does everything but you realize that the woman outside gets exciting but by the time she gets inside she becomes the woman inside too. So she needs the ring and she does everything to please the man. When it comes to treatment, the woman inside treats the man like her husband, but the woman outside treats him like her king.
For example, as a wife you can afford to serve your husband all kinds of dishes, the same plate for two years but do you see some of the women in the movies. They select the best plates, the best cups, the best spoons, they set the table, they create a healthy environment. An environment of goodwill tells customers to be loyal, so they make everything look exciting so the man will be forced to come to that environment. What I advise the woman within is this: you need to do the same so that by the time you create those things at home it becomes very hard for your husband to go over to the woman outside. When it comes to sex the woman outside is ready to do just anything because she is in touch. She knows what is in vogue.
The woman inside feels okay, I have given birth to two children. I am married to my children, so she doesn’t pay attention to herself again, she doesn’t dress well. Women must know that men hate a woman that ties wrapper. The woman outside doesn’t tie wrapper. You know she is well dressed, cultured, she wears perfume and all kinds of things. You need to do the same; once the man sees you tie wrapper he begins to see you as Mama Somebody, he begins to call you Mama Kunle. Please, if your husband is calling you Mama Kunle, you need to stop him. You need to become the “chick”. Let him call you what he used to call you when you got married. If you are not careful he will begin to see someone outside. So, I tell women that it is not sufficient for you to be the woman at home; you need to be both the woman within and the woman outside. By doing that it becomes very difficult for your husband to go outside.
I have heard a man say when I kiss the woman outside, it’s like heaven but when I get home and I’m kissing my wife, it’s like biting a nail. Why?
The thing with marriage is that, the moment you give room for comparison, you endanger your marriage. That is what happened because you have given room for comparison. There is no sweet in the other woman’s tongue. That is the truth and it’s not as if you are biting anything when you go back home. It’s just that you have given room for comparison. If you want to experience what you have experienced, why don’t you teach her, how to do the same? Romance is something that can be learnt. Sex is also progressive. It has been proved that the more you have sex with your partner, the better it gets ,if you guys communicate.
Most of the problems in marriages can be narrowed down to communication issues. 85% of the problem is communication problem. You can hide under the cloak of sex, romance, whatever , but it’s a communication issue and men’s unwillingness to groom their spouses . If you have groomed your spouse over time, you will realize that every woman is a reflection of a man and that’s why I always warn the woman outside who wants to sleep with another person’s husband, that before you sleep with the man go and look at his wife because very soon you will look like his wife. Because a man is a groomer, he is called the bridegroom.
That word means the groomer of the bride. So you as a man, if you have groomed your wife to the level where she can’t kiss her, then you are a bad groomer and whatever woman you handle you will turn them to the wife you married. So it is not as if there is any sweet tongue anywhere. It’s always said that the grass will always look greener on the other side and you will realize that by the time you taste the other woman’s tongue, maybe the third woman, something will just tell you that oh!“I have been biting nails.