Pastor Deola Ojo is the co-pastor of Grace Family Church in Oregun, Lagos and author of the popular book, ‘Give Me A Spouse or I Die’. Known for her inspiring and down-to-earth messages on matters of the heart, bordering on relationships and marriages, she is a much sought after conference speaker, both within and outside Nigeria. In the excerpts below, culled from LifeWay magazine, she shares her thoughts on sexual intimacy in marriage.
A man should ensure that his wife enjoys sex with him
Many women have found themselves in a climax-less marriage and feel very unfulfilled as a result. The worst part of this is that their husbands are oblivious of this fact. Some of these women feel it would bruise their husband’s ego if they told him that they had never enjoyed sex with them.
So they just pretend. ‘Yes, honey, it was wonderful’, they keep saying night after night. While it is easy to assume that sexual intimacy challenges are all about the husband wanting more sex than his wife can offer, the opposite is also true in many marriages.
A man should ensure that his wife enjoys sex with him by probing to discover what turns her on, particularly in respect to her erogenous zones. Once that is known, he should endeavour to touch her in those areas when they lie together.
The husband should not feel to proud to ask his wife to guide his hands to areas of her body that she feels will give her pleasure. Since men are quick to come it is very critical that they take time to first bring their wives to the point of ejaculation. This takes love, care and patience. Otherwise, frustration and disaffection can set in. Most men are quick to roll over and doze off as soon as they are satisfied leaving their wives completely frustrated. This could happen occasionally but it should not develop into a pattern. For healthy sexual relations, couples need to be considerate with each other and take time to discuss their expectations, likes and dislikes.
For a woman, sex starts in the morning
One of the crucial things for men to know is that sex for a woman starts early on in the day. The way the man talks to her in the morning, praising and affirming her opens up the emotions of the woman to want sex later in the day. It also helps when the husband gives her a phone call during the day and sends text messages just to say that he loves her and that he cannot wait to be back with her.
By the time he comes home, even without saying anything, the wife herself looks forward to sharing her body with her husband. The man should fall into the routine of complimenting his wife so that she does not feel the only time he acts nice and loving towards her is when he wants sex. That could lead to the woman feeling like being used by her husband.
The bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: “A husband should fulfill his obligation to his wife, and a wife should do the same for her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but his wife does. Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so for a set time in order to devote yourselves to prayer. Then you should come together again so that Satan does not tempt you through your lack of self control.”
Sex is a dynamic aspect of marriage
While the general expectation is that couples have sex two or three times, for some couples sex is a daily event. For others, once a week, or even once a month is okay. Married persons need to know their different sexual needs and ensure that they are meeting their partner’s sexual need accordingly. Each couple must find their own sexual balance and adapt it to their changing lifestyles.
For instance, a woman who was not so keen on sex before menopause could suddenly want sex every other day once the fear of getting pregnant has been completely removed. A man who was wrapped up in his work because of fear of financial failure may suddenly become highly desirous of sex once the financial pressure has eased off.
Sex is one of the dynamic aspects of marriage. It will never be static.
However as we age, change, move up and wind down, we must continue to adapt our sexual lives to the different stages of our lives. No matter what sexual challenges a couple may be facing, it can be fixed with the help of God through prayer and open, sincere communication with each other. If that does not seem to work, the couple should go for counselling. Couples will also benefit immensely from reading excellent books on relationships. There is no sexual problem that cannot be solved by the help of God. You and your spouse can be sexually satisfied.