THE Nigeria Police in Ilorin must be watching too many Nigerian movies and creating reality from them. Last Thursday in Ilorin , the police paraded a goat as the suspect in an attempted car theft.
Like a home video script, the Police Public Relations Officer Mr. Tunde Mohammed said, the neighbourhood vigilante group chased a two-man gang, “while one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat”. Not ones to be fooled, the police promptly arrested the goat. Home video knowledge is that at some point the goat would become human again.
Soon those who made the arrest could be honoured by one of the numerous organisations that dispense awards, for cracking a case that gave detectives sleepless moments.
We are interested in the conclusion of this case. The police claimed the suspect turned into a goat. It follows that they have to keep the goat, watch over the goat to prevent it from straying, feed it, and ensure that it is not poisoned and nobody converts it to food.
Goats’ rights organisations may weigh in to secure bail for the suspect, a goat that cannot say a word, maybe knowing that anything it says could be used against it. Without a special facility for detaining goats, this suspect could suffer many indignations, including exposure to the elements.
The police should send a supplementary budget for the construction of special detention facilities to hold goats and other animals that might imitate goats in this manner. They cannot detain them in the same cells with suspects who neglected the great opportunities turning into a goat offers.
In our unique crime bursting techniques, suspects and their associates, even those who do not know about the crime are all guilty until they prove their innocence. Therefore, the owner of the goat cannot risk confessing ownership of this criminal.
One of the details of a suspect’s case files is his written statement. Have the police obtained one from the goat? Who will pay the legal fees of the goat when the case goes to court? It is an interesting case that signals a new chapter in crime fighting.
Goats are on the brink of extinction. The police can shoot them as suspects, arrest them, and detain them until “our investigations are over”.
There are many reasons the Federal Government should call the police to order immediately. This could be a new business for the police. Thousands of suspects and convicts could be freed. If the suspect in Ilorin is a goat, what stops our inventive police from freeing suspects elsewhere and replacing them with goats?
Merchants, who transport goats round the country, could in the fertile imagination of the police be involved in “human trafficking”. There are more possibilities.
A goat’s day in court would include suspect being introduced thus, “My Lord, the next suspect is a goat”.