If you have ever watched a Nigerian Movie, then you will know these things:
THINGS WE’VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD
1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
reply: not only in Nollywood movies, even in Church. Everywhere. Its like this: you have a headache, and the situation becomes a spiritual attack.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
reply: sometimes I wonder what kind of fairy tales Nigerian movie producers /script writers read.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
reply: that one na Jaz ba?
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
reply: even though the car is going slow-motion. Worse, camera men even film car tires.
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a ‘Babalawo’ / joining a cult / sleeping with rich men.
reply: sleeping with rich women nko? There is nothing like hardwork + persistence in Nollywood.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil…
reply: between drama and horror movies, which is which?
8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
reply: Now Your Suffering Continues
9. With a pastor … all things are possible.
reply: The easiest profession in Nigeria is armed robbery or Pastorship.
10. A movie can be titled anything… such as:
*The boy is mine,
* Face me, I face you
reply: the title usually explains everything. In fact, after seeing the CD cover, you don’t need to buy the movie. Add the title and the CD cover together and you have watched a Nigerian movie.
11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-’shelled’, twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics’.
reply: thats why sometimes I wonder if these wrong phonetics actually sound funny or disgusting during the filming of the movie.
12… You are in love… you want to take your girl out, the best place
you take her to is…
*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you’ll most probably see an ex while
feeding each other.
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.
*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
reply: there are usually not more than 5 people inside Biggs/Tantalizers, and the ex is always sitting prominently. Talking of buying clothes, usually I might just fast forward. I cant imagine 20minutes of film inside a shop – when its not a bad-guy hostage situation.
13. An Igbo movie has been made if:
* You visit a Dibia (Babalawo)
* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half
of the movie time.
* Kanayo ‘O’ Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there too!
* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult
14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!
reply: this is true both in film and real-life.
15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly – so much for suspense and
reply: this makes me wonder what the Nollywood stakeholders are really up to. Have you watched a Nigerian movie and you ended up asking yourself if the movie was ever reviewed? if any other person apart from the actors / directors have watched the movie before its released to the public?
16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses-
* Stella Damascus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
reply: and worse, its the usual story lines
17. The police are extremely ‘efficient’ unlike their counterparts in real life.
reply: not only are the Police extra-efficient in films, their uniform is always new and ironed.
19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
reply: dark shades at night, sweaters in broad daylight / Nigerian weather?
20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn’t matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!
reply: its like this: someone is shot in the head, and the next thing is a hospital scene where the persons legs are in a POP caste.
21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because… people are deaf?
reply: worse, they plaster a bus with posters and start driving around town.
22.. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford-a
beautiful house, very good furniture, T.V., nice clothes, but you won’t be able to send your kids to school.
reply: and then junior will come and ask mommy, ‘you mean we don’t have food in the house’?
23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and never mind his business.
reply: and this idea of bowing down to everybody? even to strangers?
24. the bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other than the
reply: the opposite of real life, ofcourse
25. At the end of a three-hour movie you’ll be reminded that THIS ISJUST THE BEGINNING…WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!
reply: not just ‘watch out’, its ‘stay tuned’
26. An actor must also sweat profusely when crying.
reply: and for some of these movies its like they actually douse these actors with water. Even their hair is sometimes wet.
27. An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- “You killed me” “I’m dying” “I’m dead”
reply: and then he dies.
28. In a case where a person is on his death bed, he/she must cough till they die.
reply: wahala dey for Nigeria o.
29. Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powder unevenly distributed on their face.
reply: which makes me to wonder whats the difference between angels and ghosts. At least one are the good guys and the other are the bad guys.
And the capper…………………
30. No matter the type of movie…TO GOD BE THE GLORY….
reply: even if na juju fill the movie, its still To God be the Glory.
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