It’s unarguable that lies are now the most common features of human beings. It’s more like an epidemic, gradually getting hold of us, especially the womenfolk. I was in a commercial bus one day heading to my office. Seated next to me was a young lady, of course gorgeously dressed, looking real hip. Soon, I was dumbfounded as she bombarded her man with unpardonable lies. Immediately her phone beeped, she brought it out, glanced at the name on the screen, breathed in and out twice, then feigned her voice as she picked the call. She was pretentiously sounding like someone really very sick. She told her caller that she was in Abuja, still very sick and was on her way to the hospital. She even went as far as accusing the guy (mugu) on the phone of adopting a lackadaisical attitude towards her in her time of need. She concluded by begging him to pay some money into her account, so she could use it to offset the hospital bills. As the conversation went on, I was baffled at her courage and boldness, because she felt so unconcerned about the judgment of the other passengers sitting in the bus who were obviously eavesdropping on her call. As she alighted at her bus stop, the remaining passengers in the bus picked up her case as the topic of the day. Men and women alike were all condemning her, forgetting that just like the adulterous woman in the Holy book, nobody could dare challenge her in her presence because all of them could also be found guilty of the same sin. Our men cannot be exonerated of such thunderous phone lies. But the cases of women are more rampant and the grades of their lies higher than those of their male counterparts. As if that wasn’t enough, I went to my salon to make my hair. There, I encountered a higher level of lies ladies tell. It is common knowledge that hairdressing salons are places where rumours are generated and spread like wild fire, lies are manufactured, and then the good, bad and ugly news are circulated. If you want to know what’s new or the latest happening on your street or neighbourhood, just sit in any hairdressing salon in that area for at least one hour, and your ears would be filled to your satisfaction. So that day, I rushed in just to have my hair washed. As I sat down waiting for the madam to attend to me, I sighted one hot chic on the block. Two of the workers there were busy with her hair and nails, while her hands and attention were on her phone. Shortly after, her phone beeped and she received a call. She told the caller that she was in a salon making her hair and needs his help. She claimed to be financially stranded in the salon. Few minutes later, one handsome dude walked into the salon with a bag full of edible stuff. He walked straight to her, handed over the package and some money, then sat a while with her and left. It was as if I was monitoring and timing her; 30 minutes later, another guy walked into the same salon with yet another bag of goodies. This particular one spent more time chatting with her than the first. Finally, he left and the customers and the stylist were murmuring on her escapades. But nobody could say it loudly to her hearing. At last, she was done but her escapades were not over. She quickly put a call over to a guy who came over and picked her up with his car. As soon as she left, there was uproar, tongues were wagging. Stories about her usual change of guys became the sensational topic of the day. Lies were clamouring on each other. You know say na story dey bring story. But that chic get guts oh! How she managed to convince three different guys (mugus) to come to her aid in a salon still beats my imagination. Supreme power of a woman, I guess. One other lie, that women are very fond of it, is their age. At many occasions and times in life, an average Nigerian woman has in one way or the other, lied about her age. And in most cases, they cut it down to suit the situation. You would see an obviously aging woman, who would probably be in her late fifties, but takes advantage of modernity, paints her face with different colours, stuffs herself in a spaghetti top and leggings, claiming she is in her early thirties. She parties, clubs and even fights with small girls over a man. Some girls celebrate their 21st birthday, 3 or more times. She would always tell whoever cares to ask that she is in her mid-twenties, precisely 21, whereas, she could probably be in her late twenties or early thirties but has the benefit of small stature with a baby face. Some even go as far as celebrating their birthdays 2 or more times in a year. She would tell John that she was born in March, so he would send her gifts and possibly take her out to celebrate her anniversary. Then as far as Charles is concerned, she was born in June. For Chinedu, her birthday stands in September. These give her the avenue to milk the guys dry on each of the supposed birthdays. Smart chics, you would say. They want to enjoy every bit of what the guys have to offer. There is vital information that a colleague of mine just passed on to me. It would be very helpful to guys out there: do you know that most times, babes fake orgasm just to make you feel like a man and put a satisfactory smile on your lips? Surprised? Yes! Women do that, especially if the guy has lots of money to throw around. According to my informant, the girl in question would be begging, while she would be moaning and groaning your name as your heavy anaconda is drilling her honey well. She would be sounding like someone who has never had it so good ever before, just to make the guy feel that he is man enough to send her to and fro the ninth heaven of sexual ecstasy. When they are done with their indoor flesh to flesh fight, the satisfied man would be smiling to himself with the belief that he had conquered the babe so bad. On that note, he would reward her handsomely for her total submission to his desires for a sex romp. It’s only in the midst of her friends that the chic would bare her mind white and black. She would tell them that the guy is such a vegetable when it comes to ‘firing’: and that all he does it to pounce on her like a hungry lion hammering her in and out like a sex starved human-piston, leaving her on the edge. She can’t complain and yet she doesn’t enjoy the whole exercise; but she has to pretend otherwise or else, she would lose what she intends to reap from him afterwards. My colleague also told me that, one of his friends' girlfriend once confessed to him that she doesn’t enjoy sex with her boyfriend. She based her reasons for not deriving pleasure from the regular visit of her guys John Thomas in her treasure island, on the fact that the guy lasts longer that her little hole could take. Worse still, the guy doesn’t engage much in the foreplay. He just starts with a little kiss and before the babe would gather up morale to give him what he wants from her Bermuda triangle, he had already pounced on her. He would spread her legs wide, and then penetrate into her curvy flesh without giving her room to be wet enough to carry his little man to wherever it wants to go. The guy fails to understand that adequate lubrication of her honey well would make their sexual adventure exciting and memorable for both. So in order to make the guy come quickly and let go of her before her ‘thing’ would get hot and injured, she would be seductively moaning his name into his ears. He would be sexually alerted and ejaculates fast. There are many other common and uncommon lies ladies tell. But for the constraint of space, let’s stop at these few for now. Hey! Guys, don’t feel you are safe; soon, it would be your turn. I am still making research on the lying world of men. When I’m done gathering all the information I need, I would drop the bombshell.
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