Pants down

Did you forget your pants at home? Or are Alaba boys on strike? All evidence shows that you bought that dress from Ruff n’ Tumble. In addition to this, when you were brought into the witness box and told to pick something up during cross examination you caused an uproar. You just flouted Section 421 of the decency act and you are hereby ordered to give that scanty dress to a five-year-old and pay the sum of N800, 000.

Bra crime

We are surprised that you could be caught on the wrong side of the law. Section 234 subsection 23a states that ‘underwear are clothes worn beneath outer clothing and usually next to the skin. You’re hereby pronounced guilty and fined N500, 000.

Nuclear weapons

Madam we received numerous petitions from married women who claimed that your free display of mammary glands in public was causing commotion in their homes. In fact they came with all sorts of evidence, such as black eyes, swollen lips, broken ribs and missing teeth that proved that your cleavage became a nuclear weapon when sighted by their husbands. You are to remain in our custody until further notice, but you will have to pay a fine of N800, 000 to cover their medical expenses.

Leggy horror!

My goodness! We are sure that our beauty queens would go green with envy, if they just catch a glimpse of those legs. What on earth were you thinking when you decided to flaunt those chewing stick-like legs in public? We won’t take this lightly, and we hereby place you on life ban. Henceforth you must not wear shorts, mini skirts or anything above the knees. Save us this nightmare or you are on your way to Sudan!

Oil rig bid

We need no soothsayer to tell us what this is. We don’t even need a scientific microscope to prove beyond reasonable doubt that you’re guilty as charged. You have decided to auction your oil rig in an illegal manner and this is a style crime. With all authority vested in this court , you are fined N1million.

Na by force?

Honestly we don’t know why you wore that camisole when you still exposed your milk factory to every Jonathan, Bukky and Badamasi. We are so vexed in the spirit and we hereby send you to St Mary’s Covent for the next six months.