Running nostrils, puffy eyes and a haggard look were all the signs one needed to know that Chioma was not finding life funny after Uche… jilted her. She had been crying for days and no words of comfort seemed to be doing her any good. She’s not a bad looking babe, but she definitely would not have many cars honking if she walks pass. Nay! I don’t think so, but hey, I could be wrong, after all, we all know that men think with their balls!

Anyway, life had treated her unfairly. She had been waiting for Mr. Right and you know how we ladies have to kiss many frogs before getting to Prince Charming. Sometimes, it’s so hard kissing so many ugly looking frogs, but, hey, wetin babes go do? Some frogs are mean and even while you stomach their horrible croaking in bed, they end up giving you indigestion. That was what happened to Chioma.

But I have always told babes, that the best and fastest way to meet an ugly and mean frog is to think you are getting too old and badly need to settle down. And when I say settle down, I mean getting hooked up to even a guy that comes with a face that looks like a bull dog. Oh, please!

She had everything going for her. Nice job and a fantastic apartment. But no, she was not happy, she needed a husband. She had this subtle way of dropping hints that she was seriously searching. It was worse because her family had made her their daily prayer point. She was desperate and frantic. Wrong way to feel, dear. Men are exploiters, they would capitalise on a babe’s desperation and teach her a lesson she won’t forget in a hurry.

A friend introduced Uche to Chioma. She did not know jack about him, but accepted to give him a chance in her life, because he threw the abracadabra word, ‘marriage.’ She later told us that she didn’t even like him but, a babe must marry, abi?

Right from the word go, the guy wanted to gain access into her fortress but she said no. When he however feigned anger and pretended he was ready to take a walk, she succumbed, but insisted he should use rain coat. And while he was jerking, panting and groaning on top of her as he pumped and thrusted, he whisked off the condom. Ha! Yes, I didn’t know you too would say, ha! I said more than ha! I was pissed off!

She tried to push him off, but it was like trying to push off a sack of garri. The strongest man I have come to realise is a guy under the grip of passion. When her struggle became frantic, he said the magic word again, “ come on babe, you’re going to be my wife…why should I use condom for you…if anything comes out of our…I will take care of you…” and then he poured his seed with a shout of hosanna and alleluia.

Whenever he came into her apartment, his candy bar would stand attention. He was taking her, right, left and centre, like there was no tomorrow. And the way he thrusted and pumped made her to fear, the yeye man was ready to die inside the thing.

For the few months he supposedly dated her, her honey well didn’t go on any casual leave.

I tell you folks, it shocked me to realise that in these days and age, people still go to men with sex partners without condom. If na love, may it never catch me, if na curse, I dodge am!

He took her once to his supposed home, but how sure are we that it was his home? He introduced a lady and a child in his home as his sister, who had a marital problem with her husband. How are we sure she was not his wife and the child, his? Men are clever!

Chioma got pregnant and the music changed. Uche’s sunny smile became freezing cold. He raged and railed that Chioma was trying to trap him into marriage and that it wouldn’t work.

She was crushed. She was in her late 30’s and didn’t think twice about keeping the baby because of her religious zealots parents. While she cried endlessly and became a shadow of herself, Uche had taken a walk out.

Never be too hasty in giving your honey to any guy, for that is probably the only thing he wants from you. Make sure a guy truly cares for you before you allow him to bang. And for crying out loud, never go to bed with a new sex partner without raincoat! Whether you believe it or not, AIDS is real!

Before you open your legs to angle 90 degrees for him to plunge his pole into, find out about him, especially his intentions. Are you really sure he’s not fooling with you? But whether he’s serious or not, always make sure both of you go for an HIV test before embarking on skin-to-skin banging. You could be saving your life. A guy that comes to play with you by offering a bogus marriage could very well be an HIV carrier, on a revenge mission. We have heard of them.

There are no unique ways of knowing a con guy, except through instincts, and that innate voice that tells you that something is not right. Even after marriage, that voice doesn’t stop. And when the secrets start crawling out of the closets, you shouldn’t and mustn’t be too shocked. I am particularly against pre-marital sex. Hey, I mean, you have to know what you’re buying, abi?

There’s no sense getting home, after marriage to discover that his thing is too small, too large, or too bent. Ha! Or to discover her thing is too wide, too tight or too much like express road without bumps. Most guys don’t like honey wells without bumps. The bumps create friction, which sends the spiral waves of pleasure down the shaft, and straight to the brain. And of course you have to know whether the size of her boobs fit into your palms, or not. You have to check whether it’s too large, too small, saggy or firm. After all, one man’s macaroni is another man’s worm.

The same happened to a top Customs lady. She was in her forties and wanted to settle down. She fell in love with a junior rank officer and didn’t mind the scoff and snigger at the office. She loved him so. She lived in a nice house and had a car. She gave the guy money like she was CBN Governor. The big idea was that they would marry. But she didn’t know the dream was hers alone. For the guy, it was his worst nightmare, for she was older than him. She got pregnant and the guy flipped. Things fell apart. He threatened her that she would die if she didn’t abort the pregnancy. She told him to go to hell. He said he was not going to marry her, she said it was okay, that she would keep the pregnancy and care for the baby. The idiot took a walk. She had the loveliest nine months preparing for the coming of the baby. She went on a buying spree. Then it was time for the arrival of the baby. It was the worst nightmare of her life. Pains! Pains! Doctors feared she would die. Her life was later saved, but the baby died. She was in this misery when the guy swaggered into her home to gloat and give her his wedding invitation. These days, you’ll find this our sister, whispering to herself and smiling sheepishly at nothing in particular.

Yeah, I agree with you…the tin don touch her for brain. Poor woman.