You truly fascinate me the way you paint pictures with words. Where exactly did you get this style of writing? I am a writer too... and love this kind of snuff you deliver. That piece on intimacy was quite refreshing. You see, some people, especially my church members, believe that one should not choose a wife by sight but one should allow God to choose for him. While I have no problem with that, after all, I am a born again, I have a problem with God leading me to a girl for whom I have no lustful desires at all! Just imagine what we are going to be doing in bed at 4.00 a.m. every night for maybe the next 30 years? Well, keep on enlightening the boys about ladies’ psychology. I think it will save them much heartbreak later. Cheers Atsar. This e-mail made me pregnant with ideas. I can well understand Atsar’s predicament. He wouldn’t dare pick a wife by sight but through the will of God. If he does, the so-called children of God in the church will use him for pepper soup! He has to see the lady maybe in a trance, dream or vision. Preferably, he has to see her walking down the aisle in his dream. Oh, come on, give me a break! Let’s be frank and not kid ourselves. I fail to see how one sees someone in his or her dreams if not because they’d been thinking and lusting after each other! I heard that dreams are subconscious thoughts. Thoughts, which we fight to keep at bay during the day time, but which take on a will of their own at night and forcefully surface as dreams. Guess that is what wet dreams is all about too. Now, Atsar is a man who is worried about marrying a wife without the right sexual chemistry. Can you blame him? What is marriage without sex? At times I wonder if these brethren, who follow everything in the scripture as they claim, do have hectic and creative sex or perhaps it is always the missionary style. What a bore! So when you see Sister Dorcas in your dream, it’s simply because you’ve been watching and salivating over her! And after you’ve imagined her, you now give the bonus to Baba God, so that members of your church, will say, you’re a real child of God. Bullshit! Why they see only pretty sisters and handsome brothers as their will of God in marriages beats me! Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those who do not believe in the power of God. Why, when I heard a brother came all the way from the North and saw a sister in their church branch in Lagos as the one he had been seeing in his dream as his prospective wife for long, I believed it, didn’t I? What I can’t stomach are people who pretend to see one sister or brother, just because they want to belong to the real set in the church. The brothers only see those pretty sexy sisters, while the ladies, thanks to God, only see those suave, handsome brothers. And of course, most of the people seen are those with well paying jobs! The problem with this waiting for God’s will is that most of the people involved are so straight, they keep all their holy fluid intact. Don’t pray to be at the receiving end as their wives, when they get married. Between a guy that has eaten the forbidden fruit and the one that had not tasted it, who would be the most tempted with visions of female shapes? I bet the hunger pangs would be the same. The novice wonders what the heck he has been missing. And the old timer wonders why the Devil would never stop tormenting him with images of what he had supped and left. Why the brothers don’t see those sisters with hunchbacks, weary looking faces and are senior applicants, baffles me. Does it mean the good lord is only picking the financially stable brothers and sisters for them? Can God be that partial? Nay! I heard a case where a saintly sister (please don’t ask me how saintly) saw a tall, handsome brother in the church as her will of God in marriage. The brother almost had a cardiac arrest when she told him. Why? Good question! The sister has a hunchback! The guy wore a dismal look and didn’t know whether to hide or bolt. Few days later, he told her: “Sister, please pray harder. Are you sure God said it was me? I’ve sought His face and favour and you’re not the person He is showing me! In short, Sister, I am not ready for marriage!” … So much for the will of God! In my opinion, our will dominates more than God’s. Whether we accept it or not, the truth is that we have a mind set towards the kind of partner we want to spend the rest of our lives with. It is only a few that blindly accept any kind of spouse in the name of religion. Look, if you see a babe or a guy you want to marry, better snap the person up, before another person does. Stop waiting for your pastor to pick your spouse for you. Marriage does not need special dreams but serious prayers, compromise and tolerance. I have seen countless marriages that were contracted on the basis of the will of God, but within a year or two, the couple started throwing punches and hurling abuses at each other. Festus waited for the will of God until he was into his late forties. At a point, we wanted to assist him get a babe. We agreed to call any babe and let him do the wooing. We indeed got a babe, but Festus disappointed us. When he was supposed to be telling the babe that she was the only sugar in his tea, Festus stood in front of her and was grinning like the cat that had got the cream. Jeez! The guy had lost the art of wooing! If he ever had it before! We began to feel concerned for Festus when we noticed he was getting out of control. He had only to see a lady going to the bathroom and his manhood would stand embarrassingly straight and hard like an electric pole. You couldn’t fail to see the outline of that thing. Festus had been a born again for as long as I could remember. What I heard about most of these men that keep themselves “holy” until the tying of the nuptial knot is that they are warriors in bed. They only hear fire and never cease fire! Can you blame them? What with keeping all those charging emotions locked in for so long? Brother Isaac saw Sister Agnes as his will. They got married, but it didn’t last for six months before the lady left for her parent’s house. The case was taken to the pastor. Guess what? The lady complained that Isaac banged her at any given time as if there was no tomorrow. She said she had only to open her eyes to a new day, than Isaac would bounce on her. He gave her no breathing space. Perhaps, he was scared that her honey pot would rupture before the next second. Sick and tired of the whole situation, Agnes left. Pastor told the angry brother that he was married to Sister Agnes for life and not for a while. So he should “chop” her little by little, for she wasn’t running anywhere. What about a brother who saw a sister as his will and she too claimed she saw him with carnations in his suit pocket, complete with a best man. Wedding night: brother was already charging. His sugar stick was alert and angrily ready to burrow into something wet and warm. Guess what happened? Sister turned into a serpent! This was serious; don’t say Julie has come again. Our good brother urinated on his bed and his angry pole shrank in fright. Who said it doesn’t have a life and will of its own? The dancing cobra, the likes seen in Indian films, threatened to kill him if he so much as whimpered to anybody. Days passed, brother became a shadow. Sister was a radiant beauty. Funny enough, all the brethren loved her and never ceased to see her as a model for other female members. To cut a boring story short, brother was sure he would die anyway, so he summed up his courage and ran to Pastor one day. He refused to come home. He spilled the beans. Prayer warriors, with giant Bibles as shields, stormed the house, burnt sister Agnes with prayers of fire. She confessed. Claimed she came from a spiritual realm just to battle and destroy the church. To date, brother refused to see another sister as his potential tenth rib. This is no fairy tale. The question is, did God show our darling brother that evil sister? By JULIANA FRANCIS
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